SATAN TO LAUNCH HIS OWN WEBSITE TO DISPEL FEAR, UNCERTAINTY AND DOUBT ABOUT HIS VASTLY SUPERIOR BUT MUCH MALIGNED SELF
~by Scott Lazar and PJ
Saturday, October 16, 2004 -
Lindon, Utah -- Stung by persistent, ongoing negative public sentiment, Satan today announced that he will be launching his own website in an effort to tell his side of the story without contradiction by opposers. The site, tentatively called bad-is-good.net, seeks to "dispel the rumors, myths and wholesale lies told about me for generations," he announced. "It's time I told my own story. Who better?"
"I'm shocked, shocked and dismayed at some of the contrived falsehoods written about me. Where's the balance in the coverage? God's side of this story is full of half-truths and vicious innuendo. Journalists need to be fair and impartial, and at least honest enough to give me equal time," he said. "Since they've chosen to ignore my accomplishments or give them an ugly twist, I felt it was important to get the story out there myself undiluted."
The name of the site has not yet been decided upon. "It's not carved in stone," Satan said. Among the other choices rumored to be under consideration at press time are Newsfromwaydownunder.com, step-into-my.net, Blog_o'_evil.com, evilrocks.com, Fud-R-Us.org, GrokSatan.com, I'd-Rather-Tell-It-My-Way.com, GrokGreed.com, Steal-Linux-and-Strike-It-Rich-what-a-concept.com, Love_of_Money_Is_Not_the_Root_of_All_Evil.net, and IP-is-the-new-Gold-Rush.com.
Although set up in a blog format, unlike the rest of the world's blogs, Satan's website will not allow comments from readers. "I don't want my message diluted with truth. And anyway, who cares what the rest of the world thinks? I'm on a mission here. I did consider having people vote on which name they prefer for the site, to build a Brand X, phony community feel, but then I thought I might be flooded with those goody goody zealots from GrokGod.net, who are always on my tail and never have a kind word to say about me, so I thought better of it. They never quit shining the light on what I'm up to and then telling the world all about it in detail. How would you like it? I can't get my work done. I need darkness to pull off my machinations, and they won't let me have it. Anyway, they outnumber us, and the media pays more attention to their story than mine, so my message would lose again. I vastly prefer to hear my own voice, undiluted, anyway," Satan stated, with a shrug, "and I'm sure I'm not alone in that.
"I've gotten countless requests from people who are in what you might call a contractual relationship with me, who would like to know my side of the story and have expressed dismay at having to look for my views buried in current biased accounts. This website isn't my idea. There is a tidal wave of consumer demand. Lots of people are interested in bad things, you know," the Devil continued.
"Make no mistake about it, the so-called holy books and the world's literature all tell a decidedly one-sided story. It's a true conspiracy against me. They unfairly portray me. I've tried to post comments on GrokGod, but they are always ridiculed or deleted. How is that fair? God is supposed to be telling the whole story, not just his side of it, but he's hardly what I would call impartial," he said. "In addition, I am quoted in every one of those books, and that intellectual property is mine, all mine, yet they choose not to acknowledge or provide compensation, and that's just wrong. And they call *me* evil!
"Look, get your heads out of the clouds, people. Like it or not, this latest racket of mine, the IP racket, is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It's easy money, like taking candy from a baby. Who doesn't enjoy doing that? You don't have to work -- your lawyers do all the heavy lifting -- and you get to destroy the public domain and innovation and creativity and give people headaches and high blood pressure -- sometimes even divorces, on a good day -- and make them go bankrupt from patent litigation and inspire them to jump out of windows when monopolies crush the life out of their innovative companies and steal their life's work. Does it get better than that? Well, all right. I haven't got the GPL/Linux ripoff working fully yet, but wait until we get before a jury. Those dopes will be eating out of my hand, and then, kazaam. Linux will be mine, all mine. Money from heaven. Woops. See what I mean? We are all so conditioned. It's a crying shame."
When pressed for a date for the website's launch, Satan would not be specific, "We're working on that. It's not like it can be done in six days. Creations of this sort take time. Who do you think I am? If I were a betting man, and I am, I'd say to look for it sometime in the latter part of December of this year."
Instead of hosting the website on his own site, satan.com, the Devil said the new blog will be out on its own. "It's a honeypot," he said with a grin. "I'm so hoping it will be D0S'd by somebody, anybody, spammers from Russia, say. Then I can hold a press conference. I can say that while I don't know for sure who did it, God is on record as opposing me. Hint. Hint. Get it? By the time the truth comes out that it was really spammers, no one will remember or care. The damage will be done. Isn't that brilliant? I amaze myself. All websites get DoS'd eventually, you know, so all I have to do is wait. We've set it up on Windows servers, so that should help speed things up. I need some good media coverage, with me portrayed as the victim of evil, and soon, to turn things around. And there are some other intriguing ideas in the works, but I'm not ready to talk about them yet."
Reached by email, a spokesperson for Satan's opposition issued this response: "We are somewhat surprised that Satan thinks this gimmick will work. It might have been more effective to do this under an alias, or using his zombie journalists to get his message to the masses, so they wouldn't realize the true source of the message. He's done this effectively in the past. The zombies portray a thin layer of neutrality while at the same time publishing whatever he tells them to say. Since he's used that for years, this change in strategy evidently means he must be losing control over the media, that the zombies are no longer effective. Satan must be losing customers and is becoming desperate. I hear SATAX stock has been sinking like a stone. We feel very confident in our position, though. We continue to believe that Satan is wicked and that he will ultimately lose.
"Having said that, if this website launch means that his followers, the trolls, stop harassing us by trying to sow dissention by posting disparaging remarks about us on websites night and day -- they never seem to need sleep and have no life -- if they will now flock to his website instead, where they clearly belong, and stay there, that would be lovely."